posted 11-19-2002 01:10               

I haven't been posting for awhile because as soon as things started to really feel good in my life everything crashed. I don't plan these things. I guess I just don't waste any time moving on to the next life lesson. Plus, I have been trying to read "Sacred Contracts" and it seems like the more I read it the harder everything gets for me.

Any way I feel like a problem child on this website. I don't always reply to peoples posts because of some feelings of inadequency. Low self-esteem or something so please forgive me.

I have talked a little in the past about some of my issues with some childhood abuse.
Well, this past weekend I realized that what happened was very violent. Everything was getting to me. The way people looked at me, smells,ETC. So then began the weekend that I can't remember more of then aprox a couple hours of. I ended up disorented and lost and was brought to the hospital. But, then I snapped out of it real quick( as I always do) and they let me out of the ER 5 hours later. They put me on a Taxi and brought me back to my car. This was about 5 in the morning and then I drove 2hours home. I don't remember much about the weekend but I know it was awful.

Well, I go to my therapy session and of course we have to talk about this. She says that I called her 31 times in a 24 hour period. I have no memory of this. I guess it had to do with something that was brought up in therapy, which I vaguely remember going to.

Now, please don't think I am nuts. I sometime felt when I was being abused that I left my body while it was happening. Actually, I said that Katrina was being abused not me. This was just my crazy way of dealing with it. So all of my life I have had times where I lose time and I have been living with this fear of someone knowing. Well, my therapist says that all of those phone calls were from Katrina/me. Now I can handle the issues of PTSD but I never wanted anyone to alude to this. It is very embarassing and I feel humilitated. I like to always have control, and never need anyone. I didn't say that to my therapist and she says that I may not feel like I need her but Katrina needs her and I don't really have the choice over that.

Anyway, I can't keep writing about this because it upsets me beyond what I can handle. All of this is so messed up. Where the hell do I go from here?

posted 11-19-2002 13:03               

We (Myss members) welcome your particiption because you are conscientious and thoughtful with how you communicate what is going on as well as being honest and truthful about what are wanting to understand. This gives us something to work with. All of the Myss members take breaks from the site from time to time. No big whoop, really.

You are healing tremmendous pieces of your self that isn't a quick fix, yet you persist and ask questions so that you can understand and increase your knowledge of your experience of your soul. This can only be good.

It sounds to me that even when you have been deeply dissociated, you succeed to keep those who are a part of your healing journey, informed of your status, such as contacting your therapist and in getting help.

Your closing statement: "Where the hell do I go from here?" My response to you is this, you don't need to go anywhere literally and figuratively. You are already there. With a little more faith, the answers will become apparent to you as you are ready to comprehend and intergrate information into your awareness.

As these pieces of your 'being' mend and heal, this allows all parts of you to see yourself without shame or guiltand this is done through self-forgiveness. Forgiveness that comes from your heart and through your God-relationship is the way in which you bring your 'self' into present-time. When you are in 'present-time' you are here (or there...whatever!)

Keep on kiddo! You are doing a fine job.

posted 11-19-2002 20:28               

I'd like to echo what Rev Jackie says: "hang in there!" and also to keep your support team close by you - this is very important.

What you are doing is hard, hard work, and it can be exhausting when faced with the challenges you have. You've already done immense and amazing things - keep at it, things will get better!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

posted 11-20-2002 03:11               

I think the most appropriate person for you to discuss these issues with is your therapist, particularly your concerns about being too draining on him/her. Those are precisely the kind of things that need to be discussed in that relationship, because they will help you to work through them, and that's an important part of your healing.

Take anything and everything to your therapist - that's what that space is for - it's just for *you*

Camilla

posted 11-20-2002 10:45               

People want to help, and like to help. If you don't turn to your friends when you need them, then you're cheating them of the opportunity to be your friends. If it isn't convenient for them to listen or to help at the moment, then it's their responsibility to say so. Or you can tell them you need to talk, and ask if they're open to listening.

You might go to SoundsTrue.com and get Caroline's Self Esteem tape set. It sounds like that's just what the doctor ordered.